Netflix is for Lovers- Top 10 Love Stories to Stream Instantly

Valentine's Day is tomorrow.  People are way too rough on Valentine's Day.  Is it too much that we dedicate one day to romantic love every year?  I mean we dedicate a day to drinking, we dedicate a day to dressing up like monsters/sluts.  Hell we even dedicate a day to blowing up mailboxes and shooting roman candles at cats.  So this jerk finds it appropriate that we have one day where we can appreciate the person who puts up with us farting in the bed.  And apparently Netflix does too.  There is an almost endless amount of crappy love stories on Netflix, certain too many to list here.  But there is also some gold if you dig deep enough.  Well jerks, today is your lucky day, because I have done the digging for you.  Here are the top 10 love stories currently available to watch with your sweetheart as you devour a box of chocolates... and proceed to fart in the bed.

10. Grease- High school love is best when it is between two 30-somethings.  Ignoring the fact that the entire cast of Grease must have been held back at least 10 times, it is a fun, upbeat musical about young love.  It's your typical story of two lovers from opposite sides of the track (and world in this case) brought to life by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John.  I dare you to turn on "Grease Lightning" and not sing along.  I've tried it.  Can't be done.

9. Brokeback Mountain- Ang Lee somehow disguised this western love story as high art and passed it onto the academy for widespread praise and a slew of awards.  But let's get real, it's a chick flick without the chicks.  It's The Notebook without Rachel McAdams.  It's a beautiful love story between two men who aren't allowed to love each other.  Or who don't know how to quit each other.  Either way it's a very strong tale of suppressed love and the lengths we go to for the one we love.

8. Blue Valentine- Not all love stories have a happy ending, and Derek Cianfrance's Blue Valentine delivers that message with crushing honesty.  More of a story of what happens when love falls apart, Blue Valentine gives us an intimate look into the lives of two newlyweds from first encounter, to final parting.  It proves that love can be a punch in the gut just as much as a walk on the beach.  Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams devastate from start to finish.  It's a heavy love story, but a great one nonetheless. 

7. Harold and Maude- This one is, by today's standards, a touch on the creepy side.  But is is also undeniably cute and uniquely adorable.  Harold and Maude is, in a nutshell, the story of a senior citizen falling in love with a pubescent boy, but perhaps more remarkably, him falling in love with her.  Hal Ashby's finest film explores death, suicide, and an array of other less-than-pleasant themes through the romance of Harold and Maude.  And somehow it doesn't seem offensive or wrong.  They just fit.

6. Love Actually- I can actually hear the sound of a dozen faces hitting their palms as I type this.  But you know what?  If you don't like Love Actually you are either a) lying, b) Hitler (thanks for the holocaust, asshole) or c) a sociopath. I watch this movie no less than twice a month. Love Actually is equal parts sappy romance and R-rated humor.  It examines all aspects of love from typical husband/wife, to father/son, to rockstar/manager, to pornstar/pornstar, to prime minister/chubby girl.  It's not perfect, and it pours on the sap like that's its job (it is).  But it is endlessly rewatchable and touching all the same.

5. Pocahontas- Disney has a few great romances.  There is Belle and The Beast, Aladdin and Jasmine, Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Snow White and Prince Charming (lucky bastard), and then there is Pocahontas and John Smith.  You've got to hand it to them.  Disney tackled some tough and roughly historically accurate material in this one and still managed to make it child-friendly viewing.  The romance the crafted between the two lovers is fantastic, even if the rest of the movie is a bit on the average side.  It's another story of two people from different worlds made all the more powerful by the fact that this romance actually existed.  Good on ya, Walt!

4. Say Anything...- Cameron Crowe was bound to pop up sooner or later.  Nobody does "boy meets girl" as well as Crowe, and his first major work is arguably his best.  As my last review detailed, Lloyd Dobler is really the legacy that Say Anything... left on film, but the film itself is also to be lauded for taking the typical high school romance and mixing it up with offbeat characters.  It is 80's to a fault and the plotlines have worn thin by 2014.  But watch it.  You won't care.

3. Chasing Amy- There has never been another film like Chasing Amy.  At least not one that I have seen.  It is Kevin Smith's third installment in the View Askewniverse, and also his most heartfelt and honest film to date.  Chasing Amy is the story of a man who falls in love with a lesbian, and a lesbian who falls in love with a man.  It is also simultaneously the story of a straight man who falls in love with a man.  But it doesn't judge its characters, nor does it advocate for them.  Rather, using Kevin Smith's one-of-a-kind sense of humor, it simply shows us what happens given that set of circumstances. The film contains one of the best love triangles in modern cinema and some of the best monologues ever written to accomplish its lofty goals.  And accomplish them it does- wonderfully, I might add.

2. The Apartment- Billy Wilder is probably still the crowned king of romantic comedy.  The Apartment, while certainly romantic and funny, is not one of these films.  It is a sort of tragic tale of a woman finding what she was looking for under her nose.  First though, she goes through a series of demeaning escapades capped with a suicide attempt.  It is at this point that the heart of the film really hits.  Jack Lemon and Shirley MacLaine are largely to be credited for their onscreen chemistry and ability to turn tragedy into amusing banter.  

  

1. Manhattan- Manhattan is the greatest love story ever told.  It tops Romeo and Juliet, Casablanca, The Notebook, and yes, even its more remembered counterpart, Annie Hall.  The reason it supersedes the rest is because it contains everything that love is in one film.  Love is funny, it is tragic, it is inappropriate, it is neurotic, it is painful, it is honest, it is dishonest, it is complicated, it is confusing, it is selfish, and so are the characters that inhabit Manhattan.  It's real love, but is it real love?  No other film so perfectly articulates the feelings associated with love.  Maybe someday it will be, but for my money Manhattan has never been bettered.

So there you have it.  That should be enough mushy viewing for even the loneliest/laziest of the jerks to stay busy on February 14th.  So grab a bottle of wine and a bed to fart in and pick a flick.  After all, it's another 364 days until you can feel okay about watching Love Actually again.

Top 10 Performances on Netflix by this Year's Oscar Contenders

Well it's that time of year again.  The time when we collectively decide that actors aren't compensated enough already and begin throwing gold statues at them like we have extra gold to give away.  Every year the discussions go back and forth about how meaningful/less these ceremonies are until it is decided that it's at least a little fun to watch the Weinstein brothers nervously eat themselves further into the grave.  Whatever your opinion of the show is, there is no doubt that those nominated have some acting chops.  And so here are the top 10 performances by this year's crop of talent.

10. Cate Blanchett- Best Actress in a Leading Role- The Talented Mr. Ripley

Cate Blanchett is a chameleon.  She's Meryl Streep in training.  And while her CV may not be as deep as The Lady Streep's yet, she is well on her way.  In The Talented Mr. Ripley, Blanchett plays the minor role of Meredith Logue, a 1950's version of a spoiled brat.  She is the daughter of a textile magnate, and like many rich kids, appreciates very little.  Look no further than her claim that "The truth is, if you've had money your entire life, even if you despise it, which we do -- agreed? -- you're only truly comfortable around other people who have it and despise it" for a peek into her misguided worldview.  Still, she plays a pivotal if limited role in bringing Mr. Ripley to his knees.

9. Judi Dench- Best Actress in a Leading Role- Skyfall

Judi Dench is currently the best M. of any James Bond iteration.  And she's got some steep competition.    John Huston, Robert Brown, Edward Fox, and David Niven have all given M. a run, but Dench does it best.  It takes a powerful woman to play boss to James Bond, and Dench matches Daniel Craig's bond stroke for stroke.  Skyfall offers up M. at her very best.  Unwielding, courageous, intelligent, tragic.

8. Jared Leto- Best Actor in a Supporting Role- American Psycho

Before Jared Leto went off the rails and then came back again, he was a part of this wonderful cult classic.  Leto plays Paul Allen, a young yuppie with a penchant for outdoing his competition.  Unfortunately for him, Patrick Bateman is his competition.  A pity how his story ends, but he just had to get his cards watermarked, didn't he?  A little goddamn humility can go a long way, Paul.  Hope you like Huey Lewis and The News.

7. Sally Hawkins- Best Actress in a Supporting Role- Happy-Go-Lucky

I would urge anybody who has yet to experience Sally Hawkins to move this to the top of their Netflix List.  She is Britain's answer to Kristen Wiig, and if I may be so bold, a far superior choice.  She is at her absolute charming best in Happy-Go-Lucky, playing Poppy, an early 30's teacher bouncing through life aimlessly.  Not an overly unique tale, it's her performance that brings the film to life.  At once hilarious and touching, Hawkins gives us a reason to love Poppy.  Now if she could just learn to drive.

6. Bruce Dern- Best Actor in a Leading Role- The Great Gatsby

Neither film version of The Great Gatsby is very good.  A lot of films get labeled "unfilmable" but I think with this one the proof is in the pudding.  But contrived as it may be, at least the 1974 version of the classic novel didn't have Jay-Z.  Dern is by far the best thing about The Great Gatsby, and for that matter just about every film he has ever been in.  He's a sweet old man now, but there was a time when he was the go-to guy for psychopaths, and that is exactly what he plays here.  Coming from old money and with more than a small streak of violence in him, Dern plays Tom Buchanan.  His temper simmers just far enough below the surface that when he lets loose it is truly a thing of beauty.  If you haven't seen it, google "Bruce Dern whore" and read his interview with the Hollywood Reporter.  Pure gold.

5. Judi Dench- Best Actress in a Leading Role- Shakespeare in Love

That's right it's Judi Dench again.  And this time she is, quite literally, a queen.  Here Dench plays Queen Elizabeth in spectacular, show-stopping fashion.  Her whopping 8 minutes of screen time won her a well-deserved Oscar in a film that undeservingly also picked itself up a gong for Best Picture.  In a cast that includes Geoffrey Rush, Tom Wilkinson, Gwenyth Paltrow, Imelda Staunton, and Colin Firth, Dench once again reigns supreme.  

4. Jennifer Lawrence- Best Actress in a Supporting Role- The Hunger Games

It was almost impossible for Jennifer Lawrence to live up to the expectations surrounding The Hunger Games.  But she did.  And not just met them, but exceeded by a good margin.  Lawrence plays the film's hero, Katniss Everdeen- a strong young woman who fights for her life in a cruel game perpetrated by a cruel empire in a dystopian future.  She brings strength and tenderness to a role that, in lesser hands, could have turned into mere fluff.  The story is good, but Lawrence's performance is the reason to watch The Hunger Games.

3. Christian Bale- Best Actor in a Leading Role- American Psycho

As great as Jared Leto is, American Psycho is Bale's show.  It is also the first time audiences got to experience the full force of what this young man had to offer.  Bale plays Patrick Bateman, a yuppie amongst yuppies.  Everything about him screams "first class douche" in the most obsessive compulsive way possible.  And, oh yeah, he also moonlights as a psychotic killer.  Everything about this performance is perfect from Bateman's love of Phil Collins, to the gleeful delight he takes in dismembering hookers.  It's a modern classic and a beautiful, if twisted tale.

2. Meryl Streep- Best Actress in a Leading Role- Manhattan

I have said before that I believe Manhattan is the best romantic comedy of all-time.  And I stand by that statement.  Every element of the story is necessary without any elements being superfluous.  Woody Allen really achieved a remarkable film through the creation of remarkable characters.  Streep's role here isn't large.  In fact she has a very limited amount of time on screen, but she uses it.  She plays the ex-wife of our protagonist (played by who else, Woody Allen) who has come out and started a romantic relationship with a woman since their split.  And she is a bitch.  But her bitchiness never feels unjustified.  We keep asking ourselves "What the hell did you do to this woman, Woody?".  It's no surprise that Streep pulls it off, but it's nice to see her in a film before she was "MERYL STREEP".

1. Leonardo Dicaprio- Best Actor in a Leading Role- What's Eating Gilbert Grape

This is Leonardo Dicaprio's greatest role.  Before he was Jack, before he was Scorsese's rat, before he took down Wall Street, he was Arnie Grape, the mentally retarded brother of Johnny Depp's title character.  Dicaprio garnered his first Osar nomination for his beautiful and heart-breaking portrayal of a young boy surrounded by dysfunction beyond his ability to grasp.  Leo has deserved his trophy for years now and I personally think he should have gotten it his first time out.

So there they are.  Now grab a blanket and a some junk food and study up.  The big show is just around the corner.

Features- 5 movies that are American as Hell

With the realease of Captain America: The First Avenger mere hours away, I thought I'd take a look at some other movies that just scream America from top to bottom.  Be warned- patriotism of these levels may just start another war.

Team America: World Police

This one may be a little obvious but there is no denying its American...-ity.  Just try to watch this movie without, at least once yelling "America: F*ck Yeah".  It can't be done.  Not even by the hippest of hippies.  It just can't be done.

The Sandlot

I know that there are tons of movies out there about the sport that is "as American as Apple Pie", but none of them hold a candle to The Sandlot.  It has everything- kids with a dream, the fourth of July, a really hot chick being tricked into intimacy with a guy 1/3 her age.  Okay, that last one may not be all that American, but still, what is more American than some good old fashioned CHAW?

Die Hard

All-American, Bruce Willis just wants to take down some foreigners.  Without any real help from the police, or even the feds, this is the definition of bleeding red, white, and blue.  Hey John McClane, what do you say to defending a giant office building from some Krauts?  John McClane- "Yippee Kay Ay, Mother F*ckers".

Top Gun

I'll be the first to admit, I don't like Top Gun.  It is hard for me to watch this movie without wanting to punch Tom Cruise in the face.  And I'm one of the 4 Tom Cruise fans left.  But you have to admit- big explosions, sand volleyball, blind patriotism- It has America written all over it.

The Jerk

"But Dustin, this movie doesn't have anything to do with America", you might say.  Oh how wrong you are.  the movie centers around a complete idiot who, by pure dumb-luck, manages to become a multi-millionaire for a really stupid product, most likely assembled by toddlers in Korea.  It doesn't get much more American than that.

God Bless America!

Feature- Top 10 performances by 2011 Emmy nominees on film

Occassionally a television actor will reach the big screen and give us a performance indicating where they really belong.  Let's take a look at some of this year's Emmy nominees' best film roles.  A quick disclaimer- Kathy Bates's performance in Misery is not here because I don't think she deserved any Emmy nod this year over say... KYRA SEDGWICK.


10.  Jon Hamm- The Town- Easy pick, this one.  In my opinion, this is one of the most criminally underrated films of the last 5 years, being snubbed at all of the major awards shows for the likes of The Kids are Alright (really?).  Hamm plays the FBI agent charged with bringing down Ben Affleck's crew of professional bank robbers.


9.  Jim Parsons- Garden State- A small role, but outstanding turn from Parsons in Zach Braff's 2004 directorial debut.  He plays the former high school pee-on who has just been promoted to Jouster at the local Medieval Times restaurant.  He is also banging his former classmate's (Peter Sarsgaard) mom.


8. Amy Poehler- Wet Hot American Summer- One of Poehler's first features outside of taped segments of Upright Citizens Brigade.  She plays a hilariously uptight camp counselor who only wants to put on a great talent show for the last day of summer.  I might add that Bradley Cooper is her partner-in-crime and does an equally bang-up job.


7.  Ty Burrell- Dawn of the Dead- Who would ever believe Phil Dunfee could be a jackass?  Anybody who has ever seen Dawn of the Dead, that's who.  Here Burrell plays overly-confident Steve Marcus, whose loud mouth, and disagreeable personality eventually turn on him.

6.  Timothy Olyphant- The Girl Next Door- My personal favorite Emmy nominee this year.  Finally recognized for his brilliant work in Justified, Olyphant plays a character you might expect his TV persona, Raylan Givens to lock up.  He plays the greasy porn producer nemesis of a young Emile Hirsch, as the latter tries valiantly to save his new girlfriend (Elisha Cuthbert) from the smut industry.


5.  Alan Cumming- Reefer Madness- Okay, so I may be cheating a little bit with this one as Reefer Madness is a Showtime movie, but I think this performance merits it.  Cumming plays the lecturer walking the parents of the local town through the story of Jimmy and Mary- a young couple torn apart by the evils of- wait for it- MARIJUANA!


4.  Steve Carrell- The 40 Year Old Virgin- Carrell may have gotten his start on "The Daily Show", but The 40 Year Old Virgin is what made him a superstar.  Backed by a hilarious supporting cast, all I can say about Carrell's wonderful performance is "KELLY CLARKSON"!  If you haven't seen this one then no amount of words can explain the glory.


3.  Steve Buscemi- Fargo- Buscemi has had a grab-bag of great roles in film ranging from the goofy (Big Daddy), to the profoundly dramatic (Reservoir Dogs).  As Carl Showalter, he is a mix of the two.  In classic Coen brothers style, Buscemi is a quirky "just kinda generally funny lookin'" half of a couple of crooks hired to kidnap the wife of a client.


2.  Laura Linney- Kinsey- Playing the wife of the infamous Dr. Kinsey (Liam Neeson), Linney proves once again why she is one of the best living actresses to grace our screens.  This Oscar nominated turn sees her vulnerable homemaker questioning the research she has blindly supported for so many years in a touching, moving performance.


1.  Alec Baldwin- Glengarry Glen Ross- Alec Baldwin takes the cake here.  And for once it isn't for portraying Jack Donaghy.  Baldwin's part in Glengarry Glen Ross is limited.  In fact, it is only one monologue.  This scene was added to the movie version by screenwriter David Mamet, having been left out of the original stage play.  Thank God it was.  With no more than 10 minutes of screen time, Baldwin delivers this "brass balls" monologue like the old pro we perenially see gobbling up gongs at awards ceremonies.

Agree?  Disagree?  Did I cover my bases or leave out glaring omissions?  Only your comments will answer that.